Boaty's Post #11: Family Councils and Parental Learning

Boaty's Post #10: Communication, communication, communication

That is what I want to post on this week. Communication is weaning in families and marriages. We have become so easily offended and self-entitled that we usually never try to fix our misunderstandings. If I get frustrated at my husband my first thought is, "Excuse me?!" ( in an angry sassy tone)

But something I have learned this week is that we all miscommunicate to each other! Therefore the logical conclusion would be to just be tolerant and patient with one another. Instead of hastening to negative conclusions maybe we should take a step back, breath, and think, "What can I ask to check my understanding and seek clarity in humility."

To strengthen our families and marriages it is vital that we seek to communicate lovingly and effectively with one another.

Try it! I challenge you to seek for understanding this week rather that letting something go that you do not understand.

Boaty's Post #9

These are some of the highlights from what I learned this week:

1. Each spouse brings unique qualities and quirks into their
marriage.
 Because of this there will be natural conflict, but that does not
need to hault a couple in their personal and marital growth.

2. Couples can only effectively overcome their conflicts when
they learn to respect each others point of views and seek to
sincerely understand it.

3. Stress can be good in a marriage. The challenge can promote
growth and learning if the couple allows it to.

4. Successful couples constantly are working on meeting their
spouse's need for compassion and understanding.

5. Managing problems requires participation on both sides.
One spouse cannot succeed in carrying all the weight in the
relationship.

6. Taking time to understand each other and compromise takes
longer than a heated arguement, but it is more valuable and
productive in the relationship.

7. Couples' conflicts do not need to involve the four horsemen.
They can have a slightly heated argument and still avoid criticism,
 contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.

8. Arguments usually end in the spirit they were started in.

9. Exercising self control in expressing anger greatly benefits a
couples spiritual, intimate, and everyday lives.

10. Anger is an expression of behavioral and moral immaturity and
weakness in everyday activities, including relationships.

11. To have a Christ centered life and relationship, couples need to
consecrate all they have, including their relationship, to Heavenly
Father and His church.

Boaty's Post #8: Involving the Father in Child Care

 This week in class we talked about the importance of including the husband/father with the baby. I never really knew ways before how I could do this when my husband and I start our family. As I learned about the studies and counsel on this topic this is what I learned:

How can wives include and involve their husbands before, during, and after the birth of their child? These are fifteen things I have thought about and I hope to follow them when my husband and I are expecting our first child.

Before the birth:

1. Involve him in the prenatal visits.

2. Let him feel the baby’s progression in movements. (like kicking, moving, etc.)

3. Choose a baby name together and then pray about it side-by-side.

4. Go shopping for everything the baby needs together. (room decorations, clothing, etc.)

5. Research baby development and prenatal nutrition together. Eat healthy meals together.

During the birth:

6. Let him be the only family member in the room during delivery. Take that time to bond with him.

7. Allow him to hold the baby first and bond with his new son or daughter.

8. Allow him to choose if he wants to hold your hand or be involved with the nurses.

9. Give him the chance to spend time with you and the baby alone for a time before letting other family members to visit.

10. Allow him to give comfort and encouragement during the delivery.

After the birth:

11. Give him responsibilities and allow him to help with the baby.

12. Trust him to take care and watch the baby alone.

13. Involve him in the everyday routine with the baby.

14. Let him take over bedtime and other activities with the baby.

15. Allow him to comfort the baby in his own style and let him find personal ways to connect with the baby.

Boaty's Post #7: Learning to Love through a Love Map

Before learning this week I had heard of the term ‘Love Map’ before, but I never really knew anything else beyond that. I learned what a Love Map is and that to Dr. Gottman it is the “term for [the] part of [the] brain where [one stores] the relevant information about [their] partner’s life.” I love the way Dr. Gottman explains his terminology. Through looking back on my parents’ marriage and the beginning stages of my marriage, I can slowly start to appreciate how much of our happiness relies on how much we know about our spouses.

From the section principle entitled “Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration” Dr. Gottman answered a question that I had from the leaning about the Four Horsemen. I wondered “what could help couples with eradicating contempt from their marriage?” the answer became clear in this weeks reading. “The couples need to learn how to love, appreciate, and honor their spouse.” I never really realized before how important it is to let our spouses know that we admire them and are proud of their accomplishments.

I actually had an experience last night where I had to stay home while my husband went to the campus for a meeting to form a new society or group here on campus. He was so nervous about whether enough people would come or be interested. While I was finishing up homework he rushed into the home to tell me how their meeting was a great success and that they are one big step closer to getting the society started. He was so happy and I was able to convey my feelings of admiration and pride in his accomplishments. After telling me more about the meeting I could feel a deep connection with him as I felt and expressed genuine excitement with him.

Even from one small experience I can feel personally how important it is to love, appreciate, and honor our spouses.

Boaty's Post # 6- The Four Horsemen

This week we learned about a concept called the four horsemen in my marriage class. This is definitely something that I have come to appreciate learning about. Basically that are four types of negativity that creep into a marriage and stomp over the relationship until it dies.

They are as follows:

1. Criticism - Complaining specifically about your spouses personality or character.
2. Contempt - Hostile words or behavior towards your spouse. (ex: sarcasm, mocking, eye-rolling, name calling) This is the worst and most damaging of the horsemen.
3. Defensiveness - Defending oneself to their partner as a way of putting the blame on the other.
4. Stonewalling - Intentionally ignoring or drawing back emotionally, physically, and mentally from one's spouse.

I challenge you to understand and remember these types of negativity. Over the next week take a tally of the ones you see in your marriage. Then take action to reverse and stop them. I promise that you can feel more love and connection between you and your spouse.

Boaty's Post #5- An experience that stregthened my love for family

Today in my family relations class we talked about same gender attraction. Our teacher told us of a convention that was held on the morality of this issue. A gay activist stated that, "two gay men together do not effect women and therefore there should not be a debate." Then the concluding speaker, a renounced psychologist and woman, stood and boldly said, "for every gay couple there are two women that will never get the chance to be married or become mothers." This hit me hard. I am a wife. I could not imagine my life without my wonderful eternal companion James. I love him and look forward to when we will be blessed to become parents together. It saddens me that society is starting to believe that the God given and ordained family is obsolete. I am not trying to attack those men who believe they are gay. It applies to two women creating a union too. As a result two men will not have the ability to become husbands and fathers. I believe that marriage is from above. From a loving Father in Heaven. This is my testimony. I know that some may disagree and say I am just a "homophobic." If that is what they choose to think of me, so be it. I love God and I choose to stand and testify with love in my heart that I support the traditional family and its role in the Plan of Salvation and Happiness.

Boaty's Post #4 : Social Classes and the Family

For my classes this week I was asked to ponder the role and impact of social classes and also the importance of the family.

First of let me just say, social classes do exist here in America! I think many try to deny or forget that there are people here that are enslaved to poverty in the "land of freedom." I think too many people say, 'If they would just believe in themselves and work hard they can rise above their situation.' To you I say yes, some people can rise above their circumstances. But most people cannot! They work hard all their lives and limitations in education and opportunities tie them to their situation.

On the other end there are many who have a clique or social group that they identify with and call family. They live thinking that this 'family' is the most important thing to them. Let me be the first to say "it is not and should not be their focus." Being able to identify with another outside your family should not persuade you to abandon them. Let me just clarify that this can happen. Teenagers do it all the time when they rebel against their parents to join their friends.

Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "nothing can take place of the home or family." I believe this with all my heart. God created the family to love and fulfill each other. It is our duty to never forsake the ideal family and those who love us most even when it is seen as outdated or unpopular.

Boaty's Post #3: Defending the Divine Sanctity of Traditional Marriage

This week in my class I was asked to make a list of why I feel we should keep marriage between a man and a woman. These are the points I felt to write:

1.     God created marriage and designed it to be between a man and a woman. Marriage is not man-made and should therefore not be allowed to be redefined by the government.

2.     The Plan of Salvation is centered on the family, without it there is no plan.

3.     Men are designed to be the main providers while women are designed to be the main nurturers. Without the other, certain God-given traits are lost in the home and posterity.

4.     Our spirits had genders before this life and our physical bodies reflect that. If we destroy the definition of gender, we destroy our divine destiny and purpose.

5.     The highest covenant made in the temple is celestial marriage. In this we need a man and a woman, without that we cannot return to the full glory of our Father in Heaven.

6.     Children will be given a clearer understanding of puberty and its purpose with their same gender parent. They will be less likely to be ashamed/depressed of their body if they are taught the how to endure puberty by the same gender parent. (Two men cannot explain to a little girl what a period is and what to expect from it.)

7.      Children can only be created through the union of a man and a woman. There is no physical or spiritual way the union of two men and two women can create a new child.

8.     Marriage is a union created to benefit and build society. It was not created solely for love.

9.     Men and women are given different talents and gifts that complement each other in a way no two men or two women together could match.

10. Children are best raised in the home of a loving mother and father because they receive perspective and guidance from parents of both genders. Different genders will have different experiences to share. 

The point I want to emphasize most is that children cannot be born between those of the same gender. Without the union of a man and a woman our culture, traditions, and ethics will die. We need to create and raise a new generation to carry on our marriage and family values. There will be less freedom, less variety, and less strength in our society if we do not have children.

I value my ability and blessing to one day become a mother. I love my God for blessing me to be a woman. I take great pride and gratitude in knowing that one day I will be a mother. I look forward with hope and love to the time when I can hold my child in my arms and teach him or her our families values. My greatest dream in embracing motherhood will be passing down the things I love the most to my dear children.

Boaty's post # 2: The Dangers of Divorce

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I believe in the family! (Although I am a firm believer of the Mormon religion, I want to make known that I am not intending to represent or speak for the entire church. These posts consist of my personal testimony and values.) I believe that family members should be loved and respected. I believe when this happens families and marriages will be strengthened.

In my opinion divorce is a word that is used way too casually and often in our society. Decades ago if you said the "d-word" it was shamed and reviled. Now days it is a common word and action used to break marital ties that will always have a negative effect on those who are involved. Even when it is for a "good cause." Do I believe there are some appropriate reasons for divorce? Yes, but they are the extremes. I think people today have made the meaning of divorce so accessible and casual that it is being used as the first choice rather than the last resort.

Elder Dallin Oaks in his talk entitled "Divorce" stated that the real solution to marital discord and distancing is repentance. I agree with this statement with all my soul. From what I have seen in the world many couples divorce because of lying, cheating (this includes pornography!), "falling out of love" because of a spouses lack of affection, and other difficulties. Are these things hard to forgive and forget? Yes, but in almost all cases they are fixable. Repentance is a real power given to us by a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. Use it! It could save your marriage and family.

Boaty's Post #1

Hello loved family and friends. Also, welcome to any visitors I may not know yet. My name is Ashley Boatman. Just so you know a little about myself, I am a young wife living near the college I attend with my husband, James. We were married one month ago to the day in the San Diego California Temple. I love being married and look forward to many more amazing years with my eternal companion.

I love cooking, eating, drawing, reading, and sleeping. My husband and I also enjoy going to the gym together, which means he works out and I spend the entire time trying to catch up to his pace. Another hobby of mine is singing, but you will rarely hear me singing anywhere beside my home and church. This is due to my kindness and care for your well being and ability to hear again.

Anyways, I have created this blog along with a class I am taking in college. In this course I will learn about current research concerning marriage, the family, and the world's status in these areas. I love what I am studying and hope you will too as I share my insights, promptings, and findings in what I learn.